Is This Keeping You Up At Night?
I am at a happy place in my life journey as of now. But there are times when I am not able to shut my brain off. And me being a very light sleeper, doesn’t help either. Every single movement from my kids means I am up.
That being said, I’m way happier now than I was a few years ago!
As early as last year, I was up at nights thinking, for totally different reasons. Last year in Feb 2016, I was at the end of my maternity leave with my second one. I was up at night thinking about the new life I have been imagining in my head. A life that involves no commuting so I could be totally present in my kid’s lives and enjoy seeing them grow day by day.
But that was not the only reason that was keeping me up at night. I had this strong urge to contribute on a level that is bigger than my household. I love my kids and my family life is my priority but I didn’t want my life to just revolve around changing diapers, making meals, and looking after my kids. I craved for fulfillment on a bigger level where I can still be myself while raising my beautiful growing family.
In the process of deciding whether to leave my job and be a stay at home mom or not, I went through all the reasons in my head as to why what I am about to do makes so much sense.
Disconnect between work and family life
As far as I can remember, I have always been a very driven individual. Be it my career, family life or any other aspect of my life. Somehow, I saw that changed after I became a mom. Before going on my mat leave for the first time, I was at a stage in my career where I was bursting with creativity, leadership, and just enjoying myself being in the moment and going up the corporate ladder. When we found out that we were expecting, we were over the moon!!
All went well up until the time my mat leave with my first one was about to end and I was to start working again. My manager and work were quite accommodating. I started working part time for first 3 months and then went on to full time like I used to.
But boy was it different this time! Work didn’t feel the same. Same work, the same environment that I used to enjoy before did not challenge me anymore. First 3 months, that I started working part time, I didn’t feel important. I felt like I was an outsider and did not belong there anymore. All of a sudden, I felt like a new bee again, who has to work her way up to where I left off more than a year ago. Work life seemed to be going backward instead of moving forward.
All of accomplishments, achievements, up until I went on mat leave felt meaningless and seemed to have forgotten not just to management but to me as well.
It was like I was a completely different person. Never thought, I’d ever feel like this for my career which at one point was my life. But I lost interest in going up the corporate ladder. It all seemed so temporary. I didn’t feel like building up on something that is not permanent. I knew we wanted more kids, and that is when I knew that this working my ass off to go up the ladder would not work for me anymore.
But I continued working for another year or so just to see if I am too quick to judge and if I would feel any different if I give it some time. Also, it made sense to work to support our growing family and the fact that we wanted more kids. Which happened relatively quickly when I got pregnant with my son about a year later and I went on my second maternity leave.
Beginnings of connecting the dots and making sense of it all
I thoroughly enjoyed my mat leave. We bought our house a few months ago while I was pregnant, so we were just starting to enjoy our independent lifestyle. I was busy creating a home out of my house and bursting with creativity. I decorated my dream house like I always wanted to and I took a liking for cooking which I never was a fan before! Slowly the year of mat leave started to come to an end and it was almost time to go back to work again!
The day finally came when I actually had to take action on what I was thinking about day and night. I discussed with my husband what was going on in my head. He didn’t say much but in his typical style nodded in agreement. In the meanwhile, I tried to buy some more time asking for extending my mat leave without pay for few more months until September so I can get my daughter ready for her first year of school. It didn’t happen. And I’m really glad it didn’t coz that gave me more clarity and courage to carry on with my decision.
I picked up the phone to call my manager. I remember my heart was racing and I thought I won’t be able to speak but I was determined to get it off my chest and breathe a little easier. After that conversation, I felt this calm release of all this pent up energy that I quietly sat for few minutes to take it all in and enjoy this peace in my heart.
All this while, I had no clue what I would do instead to contribute financially to my household but I knew for that to come, this had to happen first.
The day I let go and let God!
Between that day and today, a lot has happened. I have come miles in expressing myself in terms of my creativity and growth. I have jumped wholeheartedly into the world of online business with amazing mentors by my side. I have learned new skills and I am continuously learning while growing my business. I see so many opportunities coming out of my left, right, and center. And it’s just a beginning for me.
All because I dared to listen to my heart and follow along!
I share my story with you in hope that it would give you strength to not be stuck in the known and give you the courage to venture into the unknown where the victory lies! All that we don’t know yet, is not necessarily bad. There is a huge ocean of possibilities and opportunities that will come your way if you just let go and let God!
Connect with me in the comments below, if you feel a strong urge to chat with someone who understands what you are going through and came out of it successfully. I am here to help!